I cut with screaming agony into the sacred temple and a child’s soul inside a man’s body.
Flesh.
The knife is dull doesn’t want to pierce the skin I close my eyes press harder digging in screaming into the mirror some last call of fear trying to hold me back the knife inside now I slice downward watching the blue veins cocoon to red drippings look in the mirror pinching harder trying to push blood out push life away the satanic voice of absolute fear digs the blade deeper no turning back now the warm fluid falls like wax onto the floor I run the tub with hot water lay back waiting to die looking at the tendons I slice through them like white strings I faintly smile knowing the pain is almost over thirty-one years of mistakes of living by fear of giving up too easily of cheating of lying of excess of laziness of shame of jealousy of just a little doubt in the promise of eternity and fuck it this life kicked my ass maybe there is a Heaven.
I’ll know soon enough…
But you wouldn’t take me, God. Why the fuck wouldn’t you take me?
Bare it out a day becomes a week and then a few more months my hand still healing but the wounds vanishing over time my broken spirit starting to feel hope again started out subtle and hard to explain but joy grew and love became all new and I gave a little life away and it started coming back a thousand fold my spirit finally saw the spirit of God’s goodness healing a wounded child a madman a defeated demon inside me still struggles to come out and sometimes he does and yet I want to give you something because I am still alive I am free yeah’ I breathe in the ocean air listen to the gulls and look in the eyes of my girl smiling she looks so beautiful and I started this new way of life I call art-form personality life love is an action yeah’ take it up a notch and throw the spirit of your “child inside” to the whirlwind of this madness watch it clarify your thought the extreme energy of the treasure of oneness and in the dreams of the creative the shattered remnants of this Earth the home we destroy decadence the place is dying they were right but hey can you change from the “inside out?” cause’ I’ve licked evil off my skin after it soaked me alive and I hope this gets through to just one of you, cause’ I was spared death and not in vain I must give something away to pay it back.
Some call it insanity or psychosis, others call it Bipolar disorder. The label means little to me. It is simply the life I was given, the man and soul and mind that define me for better or worse. I do not belong to this world and I stay in this life with my heart and passion shooting out to the starry night above. We could go there together if you’d leave this painful place with me as the warm breeze catches all good dreams and brings them to life. Time has no place here, not in God’s Kingdom. There is no hiding and no decision left to be made, no regret and worry. We are alive, together, forever and I know that the greatest things are yet to come. I say a prayer for all who will never know there is another way and smile in gratitude.
ON A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN NORTH CAROLINA
The Angels are with me now.
