Bipolar Express – Living life with Bipolar "Disorder"

Bipolar Express is a soon to be a feature film written and created by a man living with Bipolar disorder. This film will educate and entertain you about bipolar disorder (Manic depressive disorder), bringing to light what it is like to live with this disease and perhaps challenge you to recognize what is "normal".

Archive for category Spirituality

The Nature of the Beast – bipolar and nature

Aug 14

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality | 2 Comments

Howdy. Well my intended/hoped for hike today has to be postponed thanks to some very needed rain in my area. So in the interest of flexibility I am redirecting/refocusing my energies into a multitude (as is my nature) of other activities. But first, since I can’t be out participating in nature I will do the next best thing, talk about it.

A few years back I told my zen teacher that nature is my teacher and zendo (zen temple) and that I was going to hike the Appalachian trail (which I did -talk about bipolar huh). Regular sojourns in the great outdoors are still a very critical part of my wellness program.

Fortunately, we are very blessed here in Asheville to have multitudinous opportunities at our back doors. I often hike alone as it is very meditative for me and I can feel a stronger connection with the environment around me without the distraction of conversation. However that being said, hiking with conscious friends is also a very satisfying experience as well (may want to avoid someone in serious mania as a hiking partner) .

Life in all of it’s abundance and grandeur is extremely powerful for me. The sights, sounds and stillness have a very profound, heart opening/grounding effect which I cannot put into words (especially politically correct ones). I feel totally at peace and safe in the forest as if there is a loving, embracing entity with me, which actually I feel there is out there (and in me for that matter). I also see the beauty in death (i.e. beautifully sculpted dead tree trunks) and how it feeds new life, everything in perfect harmony. A constant cycle of birth and death with each dependent and interdependent upon the other.

It also reminds me that life is in constant change as with the seasons in the woods. Each season with its own evocative feel, all important to the wholeness of my being.

So my encouragement is to immerse, fling, push, cadjole yourself into the great outdoors in whatever way speaks to you and let those endorphins fly baby.

If I ever manage to figure out the camera I was just gifted I will hopefully post some pics but my techno challenges are another subject (oh to be 13 yrs old again).

bipolar

Jul 28

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness | 3 Comments

Hell-oh all. I use this salutation (which it really isn’t) because turned around it decribes my mood experience yesterday except the explicatives usually get much stronger than oh hell.
So to start from the beginning. Tuesday (last post day) was exceptional on all fronts. Great energy, mood, etc. So like any good little bipolar I felt I needed to take 150% advantage of it. I won’t bore with details but suffice it to say a lot got done. I ended up the day at a late hour (for me) and plopped into bed but didn’t sleep well. I woke up Wednesday on the tired, draggy mentally off side of the bed but meditated and went to qi quong anyway. As I often say the tapestry of my life seemed to start it’s unraveling process (i.e mood implosion) which continued throughout the day.
My first reaction is often fear and a sense of panic that I might be sinking into a “big one”. However, I saw this very harmful mental process and checked it with a newly developing paradigm for me. I told myself that it is just depression and that it is probably the result of over fatigue and that the best thing to do would be to eat a good meal (going easy on the carbs and sugar) and get to bed asap. It felt very helpful and empowering rather than acquiesing to my diminished mental state. It speaks very strongly to the power of meditation which is a process of training the mind so the stories that arise don’t ride herd over us and carry us into a world of suffering and hell (all based on illusion I might add).
So there is a very simple meditation technique that I will share. Sit with the back as upright as possible either on a meditation cushion or in a chair. Concentrate on the nostrils (breathing through the nose only) and begin to sense the air as it comes into the nose sliently noting to yourself “in” on the inhalation and “out” on the exhalation. It’s guananteed that thoughts will arise (rapidly, often, ad nausea) but gently bring the concentration back (that’s why they call it practice) to the nose and the passage of air. Strart with a manageable amount of time for you (maybe 5-15 minutes) and make it part of your daily routine as you would brushing your teeth, playing horse shoes, picking your nose in traffic, etc. etc.
Mood dips still frighten my but yesterday I saw it as an opportunity to test the wellness tools that I am now employing in my life on a daily routinized basis and the results were very gratifying. Today I awoke very early meditated went and had a great workout at the gym and feel absoutely wonderful (grounded, energetic and frisky).
Blessing to you all and remember in/out. Any feedback as always is welcomed.

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The World’s Mental Illness

Apr 20

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Today I just want to reach out and hug the whole world in joy and where are you?  See this is at least half the problem.  It isn’t me, mental illness, or even depression.    This is the problem.  We all hide in our homes and our little sheltered lives.  We don’t talk to each other.  We alienate.  I’m not blaming any body this time.  I feel like I walk around inside a tube watching everybody.  It is like a dream going by in front of me but I can’t slow it down so I just watch through a filtered experience.  What the hell is wrong with everybody?  New York City was brutal because no one looked at each other.  Truly a mystery.  This is it, this my theory.  The whole world has a mental illness.  Why else do crazy rednecks try to run you off the road with their monster trucks.  Why else do Christians spit on  homeless people?  Why else do CEO’s make 100 million a year while I can’t find a job with my college degree.  Why are wars waged on the innocent – women and children and the elderly?  The sky is gray and seems to never end, dragging on to the edge of darkness – past the glimmer of hope that shined in your eyes just yesterday, that moment of inspiration when the fear and anger left you for a moment.

But back to being supersized at McDonalds and the buffet at Golden Corral with its fifty pounds of bacon and forty three pounds of french fries and the Christians need to line up at the slaughterhouse to watch the suffering and then tell me we are here to rule with dominion over the animals  – yes Jesus would be a vegetarian, he told me in a dream.

There is something very, very wrong with this country when did it become so cool not to care I swear God is in many things the Buddhists were right.

What a pretty blue bird outside my window.

“Remember, remember, the fifth of November – the gunpowder, treason and plot.  I can think of no reason, the fifth of November should ever be forgot.”

“Beneath this Mask there is an Idea, Mr. Creedy.  And ideas are bulletproof…”  V

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chqi8m4CEEY

I feel like dying, I feel like flying away back across the skies from where I came into the blackness can’t take this agony of living without you all I need us to be together forever – the only thing that makes the pain bearable.  But more than that – open up your third eye whether by mushrooms or intellect or heart or tragedy or revelation or Art or MUSIC just SHOOT IT SHOOT IT DEEPER DEEPER INSIDE OF YOU NEVER TO LEAVE this shock wave carries with it the memory of all things good and true.

GOD IS IN THE RAIN

There Are No Words…

Mar 12

Posted by Nathaniel in Spirituality | No Comments

I could pray about it.  But I’m far too angry at God.  How the fuck could you let this happen, Lord?  What the fuck?  I thought you control everything, including the tectonic plates near Japan.  I was told you had the power to reach underneath the coral and fish and deep sea and make them stop moving on this Earth of yours.  But as I watch the video of the tsunami overtaking Tokyo, moving cars and houses and people like ants – there are no words left to say.  “Why” seems too obvious.  What philosophy or religion, what construct of values a people choose to follow can possibly compete with the power of those waves we saw?  What good does faith, or the oneness of mankind, the serenity of Taoism or the forgiveness of Christianity do in the face of such absolute devastation?  There is no reason here to comprehend, no deeper understanding of why such things as this happen – and the mystery of God’s intentions go five notches deeper – even into the question of God’s sanity.  Tears are falling as I watch the suffering and my silly little problems seem so trivial by comparison to the people of Japan.  And so I think, God not only doesn’t intervene with the physical world, but he is indifferent to it.  There is no other possible conclusion.    I’m angry, very sad and angry.  The only solace that makes any sense to me, any conceivable idea of why – is that every death and lost soul with it as they were sucked out to sea passes over to the land of eternal light.  In that place the question of “why” is irrelevant next to the beauty of Paradise, the connection back to our creator.  All the pain and suffering was because real life starts now and this Earthly experience is just a dream, a fleeting moment before real life begins – and all the agony was not in vain.  There is no other possibility than that if God is real.  He or She could never be this cruel otherwise – to let this happen.  Okay, slow down and breathe deeply.  Quit asking why.  We will never know as long as we are alive here.  The answers lie only in eternity.  But I’m still angry for now.  There are no words…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-zfCBCq-8I

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The Field

Jan 20

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | No Comments

“When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.”

Robert Pirsig

If I had a hundred million dollars I’d be on the first plane first class to the Hawaiin islands.

If I had a lifetime of free sushi I’d feel guilty about the rape of the ocean but I’d eat it four times a week anyway.

If I had superman’s powers I would eliminate money from America and party my ass off.

If I was God I’d destroy the world and start over.

A chimpanzee could get a driver’s license in TN if he showed up on time and sober.

“Look in my face, look in my soul – I begin to Stupify…”

Jesus was the ultimate liberal.

When we die our souls must pass through what I call THE FIELD and in that arena all things that are not of God are stripped away.  Every trace of fear, anger, hatred, evil are shredded from you quickly and the more good you have done in life, the less it hurts.  No negativity is allowed in the true Kingdom of God and this field is the temporary price we pay for committing acts that hurt others and ourselves.  Hitler and Stalin’s souls have a lot to be taken away from so their stay in THE FIELD is more painful and some souls chose to go the other way when they see the light of God’s goodness.   But all are offered this chance of forgiveness in THE FIELD.    It serves two main functions.  One is justice but with forgiveness.  The other is it cleanses the land of Paradise from the infected and rotting spirits that inhabit all of us in some way from our time on this insane asylum called Earth.

Male orgasms are hilarious in terms of how dramatic and physical they are.  Pornography is at least as humorous as it is arousing.   “Ooooooooooh Godddddddd I’m gonna’ cum!” as if it she didn’t know that already by your carnivorous convulsions and loud moaning and sped up hand movements.

David Sedaris is hilarious.

I see Angels around me all the time.  I see the invisible world that lives in front and around us all the time.  This is not mental illness.  It is real, trust me.

I’m scared to think of how much feces the state of Tennessee produces in one hour.

I don’t feel Steven Tyler has any business judging American Idol.

If I came back as an animal I’d be an aardvark  simply because I like to say the world aardvark.

I would make a fantastic rich and famous person and be great on talk shows.  Hollywood needs me desperately they just simply don’t FUCKING know it.

“When a man lies, he murders some part of the world.”  Merlin – Excalibur

That makes me a murderer, what about you?

I lust and look and lie and wonder WHY on high God said goodbye and let us run this place without him oh welcome aboard Bipolar Express John Swart hope I got that last name right have a cold one for me down in Mexico (if you drink which you probably don’t)  and I keep thinking about the connection between thought and words and imagination and masturbation make make make create and laugh a little more cause’ it is truly the medicine we need to make it through and build up strength and stop -

and enter the field.

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Golden Days

Dec 23

Posted by Nathaniel in Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | No Comments

If you can use transcendental meditation we could fly away from this place out to the February Sea so cold so dark daring dragons leap to find us but keep going further farther further farther to the place where the clouds are breaking and children are playing in the summer sun son of God laughs in Heaven trying to reach him in vanity so move sit still move now faster faster I can feel your love climbing to the rooftops of the world shouting inspiration to those lonely valleys where dogs bark and tires screech in the distance hold on a minute…

What is the whisper you’re giving in my ear?  “Hold on, hope is coming…”

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The Unseen Jungle

Dec 19

Posted by Nathaniel in Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | No Comments

This is a call to be Urban Shaman’s for all you living in mediocrity and dreaming of adventure.  That your life itself is quite possibly a dream – as layers of reality unfold to this magical place of knowing that all perspectives are a little different – well, let us drink to that and say a prayer for the dying.  As I down my meaty, juicy soy product saturated in sugary tomato gravy I can’t help but wonder what the movers and shakers are doing right now – jet setting to Fiji to attend a seminar on the art of “oneness” while sipping Margarita’s by the Sea of Tasman.  Fuck, wish I was with them we’d reuptake our SSRI”s till they juiced Ecstasy out of our brains into a sea of eternal happiness – no more pills or praying required just keep dancing the Tequila is pure agave and the sun is coming on strong while the fools drown in therapy and the mystics might make men yet of wasted warriors become the land the open air the perfume is resting on the serpent’s back ready for all to  inhale.

I bet a dose of insanity is more pure than the fine art perfection.

Can you feel me I still have life inside the drums are shaking the party is starting but far off in the leafless field of trees the violence reigns down from the relentlesss sky and God sits idly on while a dog shivers in the cold and a heartless owner will not let him free.    There is no pure way to say it is all to much to take in.

Lets grab this moment in all its pure agony and beauty and call it love and set it free then rush back to the madness and watch it unravel under our feet in sickening soft actions we take to push and pull and rip the meat from the bone and savor the finest Pinot and cry in that scene that means so much to you.

“We are such stuff as Dreams are Made are our little life is rounded with a sleep…”

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Bipolar Express the Movie

Dec 19

Posted by Nathaniel in Spirituality, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Hello those few brave sould who may be reading this.  I have missed you, missed your eyes skimming over the screen at my words, thoughts, rambles and rants and raves and really wondering what is going on out there in the land of the living.  And thus it was… so,  again, welcome.

So Bipolar Express is changing shape and form and length and God willing, my friends at Blind Lyle Productions are going to turn it into a feature-length production instead of a web-series.   Hank and I have been working on the script and it is quite exciting to be a part of something that I hope and pray becomes much larger than myself.    My friends Jack, Samantha, Tim and Sanko are in for the ride of their lives and we all look forward to showing you the soon to be movie!

Memories keep coming and new dreams unfolding and life goes by faster and we all dance harder to keep up.

“Lead me On, lead me on, to the place where the river runs into your keeping…”

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I hate to be so SERIOUS, but I just watched ZEITGEIST Addendum

Jun 18

Posted by Nathaniel in Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Uncategorized | No Comments

Wow.  I mean holy shit, fucking, unreal – as in I WAS SAYING WE NEED TO GET BEYOND MONEY FOR YEARS. (it’s all about ME, don’t you know that yet!) Looks like these guys are ahead of me and propose a RESOURCED-BASED ECONOMY instead.  This is the cool part if you haven’t watched ZEITGEIST – which you should because they say let’s combine all the good parts of our technology and combine them with our Planet to live in what some would cynically say is idealistic Utopia.  I think we need some serious idealism after watching this last oil spill.   Replacing boring, monotonous factory and assembly line, spirit-killing jobs would be robots that could do them faster and not get exhausted.   Zeitgeist, which means “The Spirit of the time or of the ages,” is a two-hour documentary that covers everything from 9/11 and explosions in the towers to religion, thousand mile per hour mag-lev trains,  to the evolution of our banking system in America and its power over the world.    Okay, this isn’t one to watch stoned with your beer-buddies or a date.   There aren’t a lot of “lough out loud” moments going on here, although they did hire Tony Danza to play Jesus which was an odd casting choice as he is far too buff to be my messiah.

Part of the film goes into the above mentioned ideas which branch off into THE VENUS PROJECT,  the child of Jacque Fresco, a 90-something architect who has devoted his life to that idea that we can live on the beautiful world without the neurotic need to possess land and control others and define ourselves by our checking account balance.   He talks about ideas that are more Christian than any one I have ever heard in church, although proposing all men were thongs on Thursdays is one I think we should vote on, as well as his obsession with asparagus and ostrich racing.  Just kidding.  I’m thinking that mental illnesses might begin to disappear in a world like this because I’d have nothing to bitch about any more and that would be a huge problem.   Where would we go, what would we do…

A new spirituality would arise out of a greater community and new freedoms of time, health, and creativity.   I never thought I’d say this, but maybe science and technology could be the genesis of finally, finally discovering God on Earth.

(You can watch all two hours sometimes without having to reload)

And check out this site:

http://www.thevenusproject.com/

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Mescaline and God’s Love of Utter Chaos

Feb 1

Posted by Nathaniel in Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | No Comments

Across our galaxy a star just exploded and all of God’s knowledge bursts forth to claim new territory.  I use to ask Christians if they thought that Jesus knew everything.  I mean does he have absolute power of the universe and if so, can Jesus tell me right now what Black Hole is where and what star it will devour next and on the bottom of our ocean, does Jesus know what giant squids just ate for dinner and what was it President Obama had for lunch and if a sunspot erupts does he know how hot it is?  Does he know about hemorrhoid cream and the absurdity of putting testicles on the outside of men’s bodies?  What the fuck is that about?

“Of course he knows.  He’s God.” my piglety little Christian friend says without taking his eyes away from the King James i.e. most inaccurate goddamn Bible ten bucks can buy.  “Please watch your profanity.”

“From hemorrhoids to your testicles, only he knows why and when, on EVERYTHING,” he adds smugly.  “And watch your profanity.”

I am tripping on mescaline in a church bookstore at the time.   Hallucinogens are frowned upon in the Christian faith.

“I don’t think so.  I think  pandemonium is everywhere and chaos is more than true and God loves it that way.   He likes the rawness of it all.  He likes profanity and earthquakes and supernovas and child slave trading and freewill and eighty-thousand dollar blue fin tuna and Stephen Hawking being forced to use a breathing machine to move and communicate and skyscrapers falling and one child being born to look like George Clooney and the other no arms and a wave in an Alaskan bay five-hundred feet tall from an ice-shelf breaking and carrying a fishing boat a mile inward but they somehow lived what a fucking ride that must have been as some power is making an ACORN into a GIANT REDWOOD and Matrix Neo begins to see what has been right in front of him his whole life for the first time sorta’ like how I’m feeling right now HOLY SHIT this is coming on strong there is some energy field circling around watching and waiting and creating and we grab ideas from it when we can and inspiration and music and love and it gets bigger if you can hang on as we fly through the universe and Don Juan told me to be “less available as a WARRIOR.”  So here I am, getting less available.”

I take a deep breath.

“That felt right to say.  Are you getting any of this?”

“Are you on something?” he asks.  “You are starting to scare me.”

I pull out a flask of bourbon and take a swig.  “I’m done with your fucking church.  I need some answers.”

“You sholdn’t be driving a car!”  he yells.

“Say a prayer, then…” I retort.  “Say a prayer to protect me.”

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