Bipolar Express – Living life with Bipolar "Disorder"

Bipolar Express is a soon to be a feature film written and created by a man living with Bipolar disorder. This film will educate and entertain you about bipolar disorder (Manic depressive disorder), bringing to light what it is like to live with this disease and perhaps challenge you to recognize what is "normal".

Archive for category Mental Illness

The Nature of the Beast – bipolar and nature

Aug 14

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality | 2 Comments

Howdy. Well my intended/hoped for hike today has to be postponed thanks to some very needed rain in my area. So in the interest of flexibility I am redirecting/refocusing my energies into a multitude (as is my nature) of other activities. But first, since I can’t be out participating in nature I will do the next best thing, talk about it.

A few years back I told my zen teacher that nature is my teacher and zendo (zen temple) and that I was going to hike the Appalachian trail (which I did -talk about bipolar huh). Regular sojourns in the great outdoors are still a very critical part of my wellness program.

Fortunately, we are very blessed here in Asheville to have multitudinous opportunities at our back doors. I often hike alone as it is very meditative for me and I can feel a stronger connection with the environment around me without the distraction of conversation. However that being said, hiking with conscious friends is also a very satisfying experience as well (may want to avoid someone in serious mania as a hiking partner) .

Life in all of it’s abundance and grandeur is extremely powerful for me. The sights, sounds and stillness have a very profound, heart opening/grounding effect which I cannot put into words (especially politically correct ones). I feel totally at peace and safe in the forest as if there is a loving, embracing entity with me, which actually I feel there is out there (and in me for that matter). I also see the beauty in death (i.e. beautifully sculpted dead tree trunks) and how it feeds new life, everything in perfect harmony. A constant cycle of birth and death with each dependent and interdependent upon the other.

It also reminds me that life is in constant change as with the seasons in the woods. Each season with its own evocative feel, all important to the wholeness of my being.

So my encouragement is to immerse, fling, push, cadjole yourself into the great outdoors in whatever way speaks to you and let those endorphins fly baby.

If I ever manage to figure out the camera I was just gifted I will hopefully post some pics but my techno challenges are another subject (oh to be 13 yrs old again).

bipolar

Jul 28

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness | 3 Comments

Hell-oh all. I use this salutation (which it really isn’t) because turned around it decribes my mood experience yesterday except the explicatives usually get much stronger than oh hell.
So to start from the beginning. Tuesday (last post day) was exceptional on all fronts. Great energy, mood, etc. So like any good little bipolar I felt I needed to take 150% advantage of it. I won’t bore with details but suffice it to say a lot got done. I ended up the day at a late hour (for me) and plopped into bed but didn’t sleep well. I woke up Wednesday on the tired, draggy mentally off side of the bed but meditated and went to qi quong anyway. As I often say the tapestry of my life seemed to start it’s unraveling process (i.e mood implosion) which continued throughout the day.
My first reaction is often fear and a sense of panic that I might be sinking into a “big one”. However, I saw this very harmful mental process and checked it with a newly developing paradigm for me. I told myself that it is just depression and that it is probably the result of over fatigue and that the best thing to do would be to eat a good meal (going easy on the carbs and sugar) and get to bed asap. It felt very helpful and empowering rather than acquiesing to my diminished mental state. It speaks very strongly to the power of meditation which is a process of training the mind so the stories that arise don’t ride herd over us and carry us into a world of suffering and hell (all based on illusion I might add).
So there is a very simple meditation technique that I will share. Sit with the back as upright as possible either on a meditation cushion or in a chair. Concentrate on the nostrils (breathing through the nose only) and begin to sense the air as it comes into the nose sliently noting to yourself “in” on the inhalation and “out” on the exhalation. It’s guananteed that thoughts will arise (rapidly, often, ad nausea) but gently bring the concentration back (that’s why they call it practice) to the nose and the passage of air. Strart with a manageable amount of time for you (maybe 5-15 minutes) and make it part of your daily routine as you would brushing your teeth, playing horse shoes, picking your nose in traffic, etc. etc.
Mood dips still frighten my but yesterday I saw it as an opportunity to test the wellness tools that I am now employing in my life on a daily routinized basis and the results were very gratifying. Today I awoke very early meditated went and had a great workout at the gym and feel absoutely wonderful (grounded, energetic and frisky).
Blessing to you all and remember in/out. Any feedback as always is welcomed.

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The World’s Mental Illness

Apr 20

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Today I just want to reach out and hug the whole world in joy and where are you?  See this is at least half the problem.  It isn’t me, mental illness, or even depression.    This is the problem.  We all hide in our homes and our little sheltered lives.  We don’t talk to each other.  We alienate.  I’m not blaming any body this time.  I feel like I walk around inside a tube watching everybody.  It is like a dream going by in front of me but I can’t slow it down so I just watch through a filtered experience.  What the hell is wrong with everybody?  New York City was brutal because no one looked at each other.  Truly a mystery.  This is it, this my theory.  The whole world has a mental illness.  Why else do crazy rednecks try to run you off the road with their monster trucks.  Why else do Christians spit on  homeless people?  Why else do CEO’s make 100 million a year while I can’t find a job with my college degree.  Why are wars waged on the innocent – women and children and the elderly?  The sky is gray and seems to never end, dragging on to the edge of darkness – past the glimmer of hope that shined in your eyes just yesterday, that moment of inspiration when the fear and anger left you for a moment.

But back to being supersized at McDonalds and the buffet at Golden Corral with its fifty pounds of bacon and forty three pounds of french fries and the Christians need to line up at the slaughterhouse to watch the suffering and then tell me we are here to rule with dominion over the animals  – yes Jesus would be a vegetarian, he told me in a dream.

There is something very, very wrong with this country when did it become so cool not to care I swear God is in many things the Buddhists were right.

What a pretty blue bird outside my window.

“Remember, remember, the fifth of November – the gunpowder, treason and plot.  I can think of no reason, the fifth of November should ever be forgot.”

“Beneath this Mask there is an Idea, Mr. Creedy.  And ideas are bulletproof…”  V

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chqi8m4CEEY

I feel like dying, I feel like flying away back across the skies from where I came into the blackness can’t take this agony of living without you all I need us to be together forever – the only thing that makes the pain bearable.  But more than that – open up your third eye whether by mushrooms or intellect or heart or tragedy or revelation or Art or MUSIC just SHOOT IT SHOOT IT DEEPER DEEPER INSIDE OF YOU NEVER TO LEAVE this shock wave carries with it the memory of all things good and true.

GOD IS IN THE RAIN

Peak health and happiness in Merida

Feb 22

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar | 1 Comment

Buenos diaz all….woke up this a.m. to another beautiful sunny day here in the Yucatan, however, I felt a bit froggy/loggy or snoop doggie doggie (whatever, a bit off peak).   Maybe due to meds for an ear inflamation or dental work yesterday, which by the way was very inexpensive and equal to or better than any I have ever received in the U.S. anyway, I downed my nutritionally packed potion from Dr. Amy and headed to the jardin de paradiso (garden of paradise) at the hostel to do my a.m. meditation practice.

I experienced a total mood/physical transformation as has been the case recently with the balance my system has been acheiving (or so it feels) . I followed with yoga by the pool and was catapaulted into another realm (not of the manic variety) as I did the meditative/strengthing postures and watched light fluffy clouds float overhead.

So a few things about my last post. I outlined what has worked for me and as all can attest I am rather strongly opinionated on the issue (and a plethora of others as well that i won`t go into YET).  That being said I want to strongly iterate that everyone must follow the wellness program that works best for them.  Some folks do quite well on meds. I am not adovocating against them necessarily but I am encouraging folks to research/bring awareness to nutritional issues that can greatly affect systemic balance, whether it is in conjunction with taking meds or not.

As one of my zen teachers said (and I may have said previosly but as my dad said bears repeating) don’t believe anything I say because none of it is true.  I can state my truth but not yours (or urines as the folks in the woods near my town might say).  Like some of us, if someone tells me to walk left I will immediately turn to the right but if I see something work for someone I’m all ears as re inventing the wheel is not one of my favorite pastimes. so with that said I will shut the f up and head for the pool….cheers.

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Mérida mood mambo and a nutritional healing path of Bipolar disorder

Feb 19

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar | 1 Comment

Hola (spanish for hi) from the vibrant, beautiful colonial capital of Yucatan state and land of cheap (and good) dental work Mérida, Mexico.

I blew into town a few days ago and have been acquainting myself with the rich history and culture of the area plus getting in plenty of pool and chill time. Yes Nathaniel, it is truly a trip worthy of envy so pack that bag and head on down. I have been  conspicuously absent from the blog as we have been doing heavy traveling and the factors of Internet availability, mood, planetary alignment, hair/nail condition, etc. have not coalesced to get up a post.   Hopefully the gods/Buddhas/ atheists etc. will be more compliant in the coming days.

Just read your last post Nathaniel and have a few banana boat loads of things to address in the very outstanding and very familiar points you brought up.

Who among us hasn’t gone through the exact same thought processes and experiences in dealing with this  “disease/illness”. Personally I believe/have experienced that the disease-afying of an imbalance of naturally occurring elements in the body is a device of the pharma/med establishment to make obscene profits.   As you and I have experienced many drugs/treatments not only don`t work but can cause further harm.  This, of course, is my personal and possibly quite radical view but is based on my long journey living with and dealing with this imbalance.  I would like to start a discussion on a very dramatic change in my being in recent months.

I’ll start from the end of the tale.  Last summer after hiking half of the Appalachian trail (1,075 miles) I experienced a complete mood/physical collapse which has happened on a regular basis for  years, usually every 2-3 months.  Last August, a friend guided me to her naturopathic doctor/nutritionist.  In our initial conversation, she claimed a 100% success rate in helping bipolars/schizophrenics which elicited a big mental RIGHT.  But she had been very successful with friends and I was rather desperate (and passively suicidal) so I signed on board for the ride.  After rather extensive testing I was found to be very deficient in zinc and what she called borderline diabetic, not surprising given my sugar addiction – albeit “healthy ” sugars.  She gave me pretty strict dietary guidelines to follow and put me on a program of supplements.  Within three weeks my mental and physical condition took a very dramatic turn for the good (at least 180 degrees) and for the most part has remained so since.  It`s been four months now which is a huge amount of time for me to feel so good.   I have had some downturns but they last a short time (less than a day) and are usually associated with over activity.  To me this very brilliant/compassionate health care professional has worked a true miracle in my being.  Of course , I had to do the foot work and stay with the program.  Today I feel better and am functioning on a higher level (or at least as high) as I ever have and it seems to get better and more balanced each day. So there you have it, what modern conventional medicine was not able to do for me in over 30 years dealing with this condition Dr. Amy has had outstanding success with in just five months.  Her name  is Amy Blount and she is located in Newberry, Florida and words cannot express my gratitude to this wonderful being.

I, of course, have lots more to say but don`t want to talk adnosum.  Plus it`s getting close to salsa lesson time.  So adios for now.  Happy trails along the windy, twisty road before us.

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The Happiness Factory

Feb 2

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

The winter.  Ah, shit – it seems to just drag on so long as I get older.  Not all of us can be in MEXICO this February so we must resort to new and improved methods of finding seratonin, dopamine, and all those other goodies locked in our brains that control happiness.  So what do I do, sitting here all alone on a dreary, overcast Tuesday with only my precious cockapoo Gigi to keep me company?  Where do I look for inspiration and creativity when my initial reaction is to go back to bed and dream about a tropical island?

I’m very frustrated at the AMA med letdown I’m going through.  Nothing is working and they’ve left me out here in the land of the living all alone and still waiting for that miracle drug that may never come.   Where are you, Mr. Wonka?  But somehow – I’m up, writing, even rejoicing in the simple things today.  Love and hope and all those good things have come from some place and holy shit – I feel good!  Are the meds bullshit?  Are they lying to me about this whole bipolar thing?  Maybe I’ve succombed to being a rat in their experiment, accepting a label of “ill” since so many have called me it.  But who isn’t a little bipolar in some way?  Aren’t we members of the emotional human race that feel so many things in one day our mind can hardly keep up with them all?    Now they say I’ve got ADHD as well.  Christ, it never ends.  But I’m starting to really doubt them all, to break free, to run into the waves near Cancun and say “the hell with it all…”

Okay, calming down.  Man I wish I was sitting on the beach in Mexico.  Now that would be a cure for bipolar depression.  Yes, the environment makes a huge difference no matter what they say, no matter how much I adore Eckhart Tolle’ I do believe in the power of the immediate environment and the beach at Mexico is of superior quality to the leafless trees of Tennessee and the cold, unending winter days.

So that’s it.  I’m buying a ticket and going to meet Jaime, Adam and John.   I’m leaving today.  Maybe if I like it I’ll never return.  I’m just looking for happiness afterall.

“There is no life I Know – to compare to pure Imagination.    Living there you’ll be free if you truly wish to be…”

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Bipolar Expressions

Jan 23

Posted by John in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar | 5 Comments

Greetings blog brother Nathaniel and everyone out there in cyberland.  I’m very excited (and perhaps a tad hypo-manic)  to be the new blogger on the block and to be a part of this adventurous journey into the world of what the medical establishment defines as bipolar.

Being a devout trans-noncoincidentalist  (a philosphy/religion/belief system)  my travel friends and I established a few days ago, it is without a doubt the appropriate time and place (for reasons that have not yet  been revealed) to kick this off.   I am currently  in the beautiful provincial capital of Cuidad Victoria, Mexico where I arrived yesterday with my techno, genius (at least compared to me),  blog designer, film maker extraordinaire and travel buddy friends Adam and Jaime of Blind Lyle Films. Of course, the renouned film dog, Blind Lyle (aussie cattle dog) is along for the tour and any dropped morsels of food.  (He’s got his own facebook fan page, make sure to “like” to see all his crazy antics). We left Asheville, NC  last Tuesday and crossed the physical/mental/emotional border into the other America yesterday.

On the road again to the other America

A few words (a daunting task given my over active mind) about myself might be appropriate here.  I am your basic “bi” kind of guy: bipolar, bicoastal, bisexual, bi-low sell high, bi now pay later, bicentennial, bifurcated differentialationist (I like to make up things), bicameral, etc. , get my drift (which is actually pretty scary if you do)?   I am a fairly ancient 58 yrs young but look, act, and feel much, much younger , at least in the fabricated, vain reality in which I inhabit most of the time.  Very big (mucho grande in this neck of the woods) mood swings became a part of my reality in my teens and have been a part of the landscape of my being  since.

My major objective in this labor of love is to share with all my personal journey and establish a dialogue into our collective experiences.  My zen training guides me to keep it brief so I will just impart a few pertintent facts about how I deal with  my “illness” (which I actually experience as a blessing today) and fill in the blanks as the journey unfolds.

I work closely with a Naturalpathic doctor/nutritionist,  have a daily meditation practice (which I have done for years),  am an exercise fiend and am very involved in 12 step programs (yes surprise, surprise addiction is part of the package I was delivered).  I do not take meds (but do supplements prescribed by the ND) and most days (for the last three months at least) I have felt wonderful physically, emotional and spiritually.  I also do not advocate (at least during my more balanced moments) any particular path for anyone in dealing with similar life issues.  My objective is to share my experience, strength and hope.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am a highly opinionated, passionate animal and am quite willing to step up to the plate on a plethora of issues.  But the caveat emptor must be implanted here that I received from a zen teacher “don’t believe anything I say because none of it is true”.

Since I want this endeavor to be helpful to all I would greatly appreciate guidance and input on topics and issues affecting our collective lives.  My desire is to build a community around this issue where we can all grow and progress together.  So give me a cyber jingle and we can get this thing in motion………later dudes and duddettes………j

The Field

Jan 20

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized | No Comments

“When you live in the shadow of insanity, the appearance of another mind that thinks and talks as yours does is something close to a blessed event.”

Robert Pirsig

If I had a hundred million dollars I’d be on the first plane first class to the Hawaiin islands.

If I had a lifetime of free sushi I’d feel guilty about the rape of the ocean but I’d eat it four times a week anyway.

If I had superman’s powers I would eliminate money from America and party my ass off.

If I was God I’d destroy the world and start over.

A chimpanzee could get a driver’s license in TN if he showed up on time and sober.

“Look in my face, look in my soul – I begin to Stupify…”

Jesus was the ultimate liberal.

When we die our souls must pass through what I call THE FIELD and in that arena all things that are not of God are stripped away.  Every trace of fear, anger, hatred, evil are shredded from you quickly and the more good you have done in life, the less it hurts.  No negativity is allowed in the true Kingdom of God and this field is the temporary price we pay for committing acts that hurt others and ourselves.  Hitler and Stalin’s souls have a lot to be taken away from so their stay in THE FIELD is more painful and some souls chose to go the other way when they see the light of God’s goodness.   But all are offered this chance of forgiveness in THE FIELD.    It serves two main functions.  One is justice but with forgiveness.  The other is it cleanses the land of Paradise from the infected and rotting spirits that inhabit all of us in some way from our time on this insane asylum called Earth.

Male orgasms are hilarious in terms of how dramatic and physical they are.  Pornography is at least as humorous as it is arousing.   “Ooooooooooh Godddddddd I’m gonna’ cum!” as if it she didn’t know that already by your carnivorous convulsions and loud moaning and sped up hand movements.

David Sedaris is hilarious.

I see Angels around me all the time.  I see the invisible world that lives in front and around us all the time.  This is not mental illness.  It is real, trust me.

I’m scared to think of how much feces the state of Tennessee produces in one hour.

I don’t feel Steven Tyler has any business judging American Idol.

If I came back as an animal I’d be an aardvark  simply because I like to say the world aardvark.

I would make a fantastic rich and famous person and be great on talk shows.  Hollywood needs me desperately they just simply don’t FUCKING know it.

“When a man lies, he murders some part of the world.”  Merlin – Excalibur

That makes me a murderer, what about you?

I lust and look and lie and wonder WHY on high God said goodbye and let us run this place without him oh welcome aboard Bipolar Express John Swart hope I got that last name right have a cold one for me down in Mexico (if you drink which you probably don’t)  and I keep thinking about the connection between thought and words and imagination and masturbation make make make create and laugh a little more cause’ it is truly the medicine we need to make it through and build up strength and stop -

and enter the field.

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Andrew Koenig – Rest in Peace

Feb 26

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness | No Comments

Andrew Koening, the child star of Growing Pains and son of Star Trek father Walter Koenig committed suicide today in Vancouver.  He was found in a park.  His father told the papers how many, many people have written in talking about their own depression.  Like an epidemic, it seems to infect perhaps billions on this beautiful planet of ours.  This nice-looking, 41 year old man who friends says was a deeply emotional and caring person, painfully decided he could take no more pain.   His parents were helpless to stop it, and apparently Andrew went on and off of his medication and was struggling to keep his head above water in the manic world of show business.

So who is to blame for this – A heartless world, so caught up in its own madness that one person’s needs are irrelevant?  His parents or friends?  Should they have done more, said more loving words?  Could any person have stopped him, or the million others who will kill themselves this year alone?  How can someone so full of life one minute, simply be gone the next?  It makes my heart break in two and I cry, even though I have never met him.  But I also smile and today will be a little brighter because I am still alive.  I still have blood running through me, love in my heart to give away, and the mind to write these words.

I will be with you one day, Brother.  “But not yet.  Not yet…”

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Freedom from Mental Illness and Beyond

Jan 22

Posted by Nathaniel in Mental Illness, Redefining Bipolar, Spirituality, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Spiritual teachings and healthy living can have a strong positive affect on mental illness.  The labeling of bipolar and other terms like it is abused and overdone and instigates the “mentally ill mentality,” of believing everything one reads and hears.  “You will do this.  You will feel that.  When you do, take more pills.”  It is  a cycle that keeps true healing out and profits for drug companies in.  Where is the growth in this unending cycle?  How do people begin to heal and change when they are constantly told how sick they are and what new medication they should be taking.  We need a much larger definition for mental illness as well as open discussion of the reasons it manifests differently in people and why they become trapped in it without real change.  Too many doctors want to have a person visit for thirty minutes and then label them as BIPOLAR1 and break out the Lamitcal.  Drugs like that can have pretty serious side effects like skin rash and weight gain.

I went to a bipolar support group and honestly, the people were so doped up on meds they could hardly keep their eyes open during the meeting, let alone form an intelligent thought to share.  It frustrated me as everyone went around the group making comments that gave more and more power to bipolar and emotions – as if they both were some demon that was waiting to plague their lives.  I tried to share in the group how applying Eckhart Tolle’s teachings and changing my PERCEPTION has helped me to recognize emotions for what they are and arent, as well as calm down from my usual mania.   I have learned how to come out of myself and see my connection to other people and the world, not just  a whirlwind of emotions flying through my mind.  The group conversation always went back to a new medicine or how horrible everything is because we have bipolar and the world “doesn’t understand.”   Some of the group had that look in their eyes like they had given up long ago.  They talked about themselves as if having bipolar was their identity, and not in a good way – as if they were a victim, fighting this terrible beast.

I’m not disputing that mental illness is real.  I know it is real.   But we have much more power and choices that we realize.  Just to wake up one day and say to yourself, “I am going to send love out today to people I come in contact with” can have an amazing effect on your entire day.  You may feel fear or isolation initially, but keep doing it anyway and you may be shocked at the results.  Try feeling connected and see yourself as a part of all this crazy, wonderful beauty around us.  You may call it Buddhism, Christianity, or Taoism if you like.   The love and truth in all of them can begin to set y0u free.   If you don’t believe in God, I hope you can try to believe in love.   These words I write – mental illness, God, love, change, hope, are all ones that need to be redefined and expanded through our progress and discovery.

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