back in the balanced high life again

Howdy all
After many moons (and suns) away from the old bipolar keyboard I am making a roaring (hopefully not boring) return to cyberland.
Lots to report in the world of living a healthy, happy life without meds here. I’ll keep it brief though (to please all those short attention spans) and get more posts up.
So let me discuss my last down cycle to give the old proverbial dirty laundry the benefit of some fresh air. Last December I planned a 3 month trip to Ecuador with some other friends to help out in a prothetics clinic in the city of Ibarra (yes i am still an unrepentant travel addict). I Was cruising and grooving on the idea of a sojourn in Salsa America. A few weeks before departure I was hit by a bronchial/chest thing that whacked me out physically and as often has been the case mentally.
So on new year’s eve I very reluctantly boarded a plane for Quito. The ensuing three months were a challenge. Albeit there were bright spots but I never regained full balance (my spanish also sucked big time). Eventhough Ecuador is a beautiful contry with great folks, I could not find the resources that have worked so well in balancing me here in the states (and particularly in Asheville).
I returned on 3/28 and immediately fell further down the squirrel/rabbit/cesspool hole where I wallowed for a bit gourging on t.v. and sugary foods.
Fortunately, I have quite a bit of experience with natural means to healthy living and mood balancing. I got back on the horse and started the process of loping back to balance. I dragged myself into the gym, attended a meditation group where a fellow bipolar was a big help, started 2x per week acupuncture with accompanying Chinese herbs, went to qi quong, cooked myself healthy vegan food, went to 12 step meetings and got in the woods (hiked that is). Low and behold every thing turned around in a fairly short period of time. It’s been about 3 months now and I am doing seriously great. In fact, I now feel my down period served me quite well in reinforcing my resolve and commitment to go to any length to live a balanced healthy life without the use of pharmaceuticals. My resulting conclusion is “this shit works”.
Speaking of extraordinary measures I started a very intense (and admitted bizarre) form of Qi Quong last fall called Jin Gui which has had a very powerful impact on balancing my moods and physical being. It was practiced in monasteries in China in ancient times and is now taught on a limited basis here. There is a web site that might be worth purusing. It’s a striking practice (yes i am hitting myself with a brick) that feels absoultely wonderful. It works on the same principle as acupuncture and is quite effective in a short period of time. Anyway, just another tool in my wellness box. I also continue regular QI Quong and Tai Chi which is also quite powerful in balancing my mind and body.
So that’s probably enough to chew on for now. Feels good to be back at the keyboard and as always I welcome any comments or questions.
Happy Dayz……………..john

A few excerpts from my new book in progress…

All the World will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies.  And when they catch you, they will kill you.  But first they must catch you:  digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning.  Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.”

 

Richard Adams – Watership Down

     I forgot to mention that Chad suffers from Schizo-affective disorder, and in the realm of that mental illness, he often manifests a profound delusion of grandeur.  This “superhero” he invents in his mind is capable of ingesting limitless amounts of drugs and alcohol – while continuing to function in everyday life at such cumbersome activities as:  working, seeing his son, driving a car, (his superhero’s name is Defladi, named after the famous Italian circus performer who died unfortunately in the mouth of an aging Siberian Tiger named “Prissy.”}  having sex with strange women, preaching the reality of UFO’s and ghosts and 9/11 conspiracy theories and most astonishingly of all, while keeping our garden fresh with produce and the fridge filled with Busch Ice beer, at 5.9% alcohol and seven dollars a twelve pack.  Chad has one mental illness.  I have another.

I shake my head and lay back on my air-bed.  Chad takes another line and looks out at the grey sky.  “So I guess today is it.”  I almost forgot, today is his court date.  He could conceivably have to serve up to two years in prison for those mushrooms.  His Jewish lawyer, Fritz, isn’t confident either way.  Fritz tried to convert Chad into the Jewish faith during their recent relationship, convinced that God would be more inclined to be merciful if only Chad would take the leap.  The three of us actually went to Synagogue downtown and I was the one who thought about making the switch from Christian/Taoist/Church of Native Americans (purely for Peyote usage) to the Hebrew tradition.  The reason was simple.  I love Jewish girls.

Heading down the side of the house I look over to the surrounding woods and notice a large African American man dressed in Silk robes eyeing us.  Chad sees him as well but we keep walking.  We head out to a large oak tree in the middle of the yard and sit down.

“Thought he had left?” Chad asks.

“He is still tripping.  He didn’t dose until 4 am when he got off work,” I say.  “You know how potent that acid is.”

“He gonna’ just sit in the woods all day and stare at shit?” Chad asks.

“Take it easy on him.  His massage/healing business just fell through.  We lay back against the tree.  “There is more to the story, my friend.”

“Which story?”

“He is your new lawyer.”  I pull out a beer from my pocket and crack it open.  I take a swig and hand it to Chad.

“Hilarious, dude.”

“I’m not kidding.  Fritz called me yesterday when he couldn’t find you and said he had a family emergency come up, up in D.C.”

“What the fuck!”  Chad chugs half the beer down.  “This shit is warm.”

“Fritz said he knew a lawyer who would fill in nicely.  Said his name was Sunflowerman.”

“You telling me that that drugged out WEIRDO trippin’ in our yard is my lawyer this afternoon?  He told me iz’ name was Freddie?”

CHAPTER 2

SUNFLOWER AND THE COURTROOM

 

     I’ve seen my fair share of cheap suits, and have been guilty of buying mine from Goodwill when the time came.  Six dollars and you are good to go.  Sunflower has been told that his robes aren’t acceptable in court so we loan him ten bucks to buy a suit from the Salvation Army on Patton Avenue.  Straight out of the 70’s and far too tight, Freddie looks more like a pimp than an attorney.  The sun is bright over Asheville now and although I take this as a good omen for Chad, we are still in a state of mystification over the man who has been sent to save Chad from certain imprisonment.  I did have 3 grams of Hawaiin shrooms’ still in the freezer and Freddie talked me into sharing them with him about four hours ago.  To that, he is undoubtedly in the grip of a fairly serious mushroom trip while doing this little court room “thing” in front of judges, police, and many other authority figures that could reek havoc on his law career, should they deem Freddie to by on hallucinogens in an actual court room, during an actual trial.  Folk like Chad and I are used to inappropriate and bizarre behavior, but we usually lump professionals like lawyers into that “other realm” of society – that which wear suits and get paid heaps, have secretaries and vacations in the Alps, and most of all, don’t perform their jobs under the influence of powerful, life-changing drugs.  In short, Freddie is either our new hero – or I am getting a new roommate.

“Dude, FUCK!” Chad yells out as Freddie spins his head back around but not in time. . We smack directly into the body of this poor creature at 25 miles per hour and I see the fat in her cheeks expand like a flesh balloon as she is knocked back about ten feet to the pavement.  Freddie slams on the brakes and we all jump out as the car comes to a halt.  Freddie runs in his cheap suit to the woman as we follow.  I am assuming already that she is dead. One of her leather boots is still on the ground where we struck her and I pick it up as we approach.  She is moaning in pain as we arrive.  Freddie reaches down and shakes her shoulder.

The Celestine Prophecy was brilliant but I take it to a new level.  There are no coincidences for sure, but being high as shit during these “chance” encounters creates even more options – you will see.  Inside the human mind we do create our “own reality” every moment, every second.  Despite the reality of the physical world’s presence and the situations that we stumble into, like hitting an obese woman with a car while on illegal mushrooms – attitude and perspective truly are our Gods.  Having this knowledge by my side is my superhero, my delusion of grandeur, although you should take out the word delusion and insert “awareness.”  I am aware enough now to reach in to my pocket and take the last half I have of those wonderful Mercedes tabs, the MDMA that will not only get me through this day, but find me in new “opportunity windows” like James Redfield preached in his best selling book.

the mountains here are on a grid of energy, positive spiritual energy, that has a healing power for all those who look deep enough.  Some of the peaks around here tower over 6000 ft. high, and if I were wealthy enough, I would build a waterslide that goes 6000 feet down into a pool of pure water, flowing from the Kingdom of Heaven in and around the trees and into the forest – the forest we run to when the world overwhelms us.  There are wizards hiding here and fairies and goblins and trolls and flowers and mushrooms and the finest mist, blown from the mouth of God down gently from the Pisgah forest and into our souls.  That mist was with us in the court room today, a part of it living in our blood, our faith – our passion.  We refuse to see mental illness as a bad thing, but inversely as a pure blessing.  Defladi was right when he told me that he would never leave Chad and would protect him from this cruel world.  And one thing about Defladi – that son of a bitch can hold his liquor and drugs.  Even I can’t keep up with him. 

 

My mind begins to race through its walls now, debating the choice of wit, philosophy, sincerity, comedy, bonding, movies and literature, or just saying something so fucking weird you don’t know what category to place it in.  That is one of my favorites.  You can of course combine topics, one of Chad’s specialties.  He will begin a conversation by asking you if you have ever eaten Sushi on mushrooms.  That leads to when he did so in public with Angie, which leads to if you have ever fucked on mushrooms, of if you have ever just “had sex with a girl without touching her – just the energy transference.”  This leads to eastern philosophy and if you are aware that combining Taoism with liberal Christianity and a dash of Unitarianism and Pantheism you may have the perfect religion, if you have to have religion at all.  That leads me to tell you about levitation, and why is so significant to our story.  There is documentable evidence that levitation has existed throughout human history.  And since I dabble in levitation and aspire to fully levitate and since I believe that the spiritual and human ability to defy the laws of nature and gravity is plausible – well let’s say that it opens up a whole world of things that could be possible.  When you beat the laws of nature, or expand upon the traditional definition of those laws, you venture into what I call “the privileged few.”

 

.  If you ingested Ecstasy into the water system of fighting soldiers and fundamentalist, hate filled psychopaths – I truly believe they would put down their guns and Books of Mormon with their hatred and fear, and then walk on water to hug their supposed enemies under the light of Mercury.  MDMA had a very significant quality in terms of its affect on human emotion.  In a nutshell, it eliminates aggression, fear, hatred and what remains is the best part of you – the child inside who use to believe in dreams and hope, before the world raped you alive.  We have all been raped here and we all are still standing with that constant set of wounds.  Amidst that chaos, the stillness and Zen nature of our two cats – Sheeba and Frasier remain untouched and I must thank my wife for the lesson she taught me about cats and now thank Sheeba and Frasier for teaching me more about Buddhism in five minutes of observing them, than all the books and so called “masters” have the last twenty years.

 

The three of us are running as fast as our legs ands minds can muster.  Sunflowerman is really quick and barely breathing hard, unlike me.  Chad is faster than me.  We don’t speak as we dodge branches and spider webs and jump over logs and accelerate through wet fields, then back into the forest of Western North Carolina.  The hearts inside our skin and bones are pumping hard, backed by mind enhancing drugs and a dream of freedom and brotherhood.  The memories of Scottish Clans and the tribes of Creek Indian and the Cherokee Nation and a lonely Shaman channeling the spirit of the Earth and the Holy dark matter scientists can’t explain, all this flows through me from the magic of MDMA and a will to live in this world I don’t belong to but God willing, will save.

The vastness of the universe exists in human minds, not in the reality of my Father holding it in the palm of his hand.  What we consider to be time and distance in terms of human perception means nothing when you consider the possibility that the Matrix is true, that real life begins when we die and that world of His Kingdom lives right in front of your face, just three feet away but far enough to kill dreams and conquer faith in the eyes of children.  Such is the power of my Father, for who but he could give the power to create hope and then take it away if and when he chooses?  You cum one moment in sexual ecstasy and watch the sunrise with your true love in another and that moment of perfection make the world seem right while memories of the Magic Kingdom resonate with the call of evil.  My Lord, can you meet us in this moment of prayer?  Be with us in all things.  We want to be animals, want to give in to these carnal desires that men profess to.  Will you meet us there?

These are just words to be sure, much like the Scriptures are just words, or the Tao Te Ching, or Shakespeare’s Sonnets and the ideas they represent are elements of perspective and action in the eyes of power.  Only power can save my friend from committing suicide and only God’s love has the force of all creation behind it, rumbling through the agony of history into the 21st century and the technology that could save this dying planet.  ZEITGEIST! Then again, I might be crazy.  We shall see…

.  Freddie is walking towards us and sees we are praying.  He is still naked and breathing hard and he sits quietly with us as he looks around at the beauty of these mountains and the five stars above that glisten with the infinite pentagram crucifixion.  Beyond the farthest star is where you will find me, as my Father and I fly over canyons and fields and oceans of a world you cannot possibly comprehend, although your dreams might show you a glimpse of what I speak of.  The speed of light is slowing us down as my inspiration and love take us there together.  Will you come with me?  “When you looked down his throat, you could see the whole universe.  It was inside that he was different…”

The sun is coming up and we need to get back to Asheville.  My back is hurting.  Fuck, I need a drink.  We walk quietly back to the car.  The mood is more somber as we climb in and begin the descent down the Blueridge Parkway, amongst the million pine and oak trees of the south, of our beloved, liberal town in the mountains where the Biltmore Estate draws thousands of tourist and their money to feel like a King, if only for a day.

 

 

 

The Nature of the Beast – bipolar and nature

Howdy. Well my intended/hoped for hike today has to be postponed thanks to some very needed rain in my area. So in the interest of flexibility I am redirecting/refocusing my energies into a multitude (as is my nature) of other activities. But first, since I can’t be out participating in nature I will do the next best thing, talk about it.

A few years back I told my zen teacher that nature is my teacher and zendo (zen temple) and that I was going to hike the Appalachian trail (which I did -talk about bipolar huh). Regular sojourns in the great outdoors are still a very critical part of my wellness program.

Fortunately, we are very blessed here in Asheville to have multitudinous opportunities at our back doors. I often hike alone as it is very meditative for me and I can feel a stronger connection with the environment around me without the distraction of conversation. However that being said, hiking with conscious friends is also a very satisfying experience as well (may want to avoid someone in serious mania as a hiking partner) .

Life in all of it’s abundance and grandeur is extremely powerful for me. The sights, sounds and stillness have a very profound, heart opening/grounding effect which I cannot put into words (especially politically correct ones). I feel totally at peace and safe in the forest as if there is a loving, embracing entity with me, which actually I feel there is out there (and in me for that matter). I also see the beauty in death (i.e. beautifully sculpted dead tree trunks) and how it feeds new life, everything in perfect harmony. A constant cycle of birth and death with each dependent and interdependent upon the other.

It also reminds me that life is in constant change as with the seasons in the woods. Each season with its own evocative feel, all important to the wholeness of my being.

So my encouragement is to immerse, fling, push, cadjole yourself into the great outdoors in whatever way speaks to you and let those endorphins fly baby.

If I ever manage to figure out the camera I was just gifted I will hopefully post some pics but my techno challenges are another subject (oh to be 13 yrs old again).

bipolar, addiction and other fun and games

Greeting and a very august August to you all. Feeling great today on this bright, sunny albeit hot Carolina afternoon. Very happy to be over my rather unpleasant caffeine sickness from yesterday.

My addictive nature never ceases to amaze and frustrate me. How I can indulge in substances that lead me down a path (or banana peel) to physical and mental suffering all for the short term sensation (whatever it is) I receive impresses me. Fortunately, I put down the alcohol and drugs quite a few 24 hours ago. My system is VERY sensitive and getting more so as I clean my internal house of the accumulated years of slug.

Caffeine in my little world is definitely a drug which causes me to mood alter and then crash. My little addict loves it. My wanna be healthy, grounded self has other ideas, so the tug of war goes on. Fortunately, the latter has been prevailing lately (for the most part that is).

So today I got up meditated, ate a good wholesome breakfast, did vitamins, sat in the sun for 20 mins (very important for vita D), will go to the gym and qi quong class later (ain’t I just the little goody goody) and have a new resolve to stay caffeine free. The important thing for me is not to revile myself when senor addict gets his way again and I succumb to that cup of java or green tea. I will try to think it through beforehand and make a choice of wellness (just say no to the evil brew) and avoidance of suffering.

Of course I am not advocating against caffeine as I know it has a wide range of effects on different folks. I talk about it to promote heightened awareness about those areas (often diet related) of our lives that cause us to suffer and that we tend to not pay enough attention to (or flat out don’t want to look at).

So I have been reading Dr. Mercola’s web site lately and he has had some excellent articles on depression and nutrition. You can google his name to find the site. He has an extensive archive of articles on the subjects (in fact, he is so prolific I wonder if he is one of us)

Another thing that has been arising for me this week is the concept of flexibility in my life. I will contemplate the coming day, or hours for that matter and will often carefully plan (or over plan as the case usually is) my activities. I am finding more and more that since my energy and moods are subject to fluctuations (sometimes quite large in nature) that I have to remain present and respond in a helpful supportive way to myself. This often involves altering my schedule. Life becomes much more fluid, easy going and downright comfortable when I live in this manner. I also find that as an overly energetic being that I very often overload my platter (forget about that dinky plate crap) to overflowing which is the slippery slope to crashville. So today I try to go with the flow instead of being drowned by the under tow and I am not only surprised at how much gets done but more imortantly how well life gets lived. So happy flowing!!

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bipolar

Hell-oh all. I use this salutation (which it really isn’t) because turned around it decribes my mood experience yesterday except the explicatives usually get much stronger than oh hell.
So to start from the beginning. Tuesday (last post day) was exceptional on all fronts. Great energy, mood, etc. So like any good little bipolar I felt I needed to take 150% advantage of it. I won’t bore with details but suffice it to say a lot got done. I ended up the day at a late hour (for me) and plopped into bed but didn’t sleep well. I woke up Wednesday on the tired, draggy mentally off side of the bed but meditated and went to qi quong anyway. As I often say the tapestry of my life seemed to start it’s unraveling process (i.e mood implosion) which continued throughout the day.
My first reaction is often fear and a sense of panic that I might be sinking into a “big one”. However, I saw this very harmful mental process and checked it with a newly developing paradigm for me. I told myself that it is just depression and that it is probably the result of over fatigue and that the best thing to do would be to eat a good meal (going easy on the carbs and sugar) and get to bed asap. It felt very helpful and empowering rather than acquiesing to my diminished mental state. It speaks very strongly to the power of meditation which is a process of training the mind so the stories that arise don’t ride herd over us and carry us into a world of suffering and hell (all based on illusion I might add).
So there is a very simple meditation technique that I will share. Sit with the back as upright as possible either on a meditation cushion or in a chair. Concentrate on the nostrils (breathing through the nose only) and begin to sense the air as it comes into the nose sliently noting to yourself “in” on the inhalation and “out” on the exhalation. It’s guananteed that thoughts will arise (rapidly, often, ad nausea) but gently bring the concentration back (that’s why they call it practice) to the nose and the passage of air. Strart with a manageable amount of time for you (maybe 5-15 minutes) and make it part of your daily routine as you would brushing your teeth, playing horse shoes, picking your nose in traffic, etc. etc.
Mood dips still frighten my but yesterday I saw it as an opportunity to test the wellness tools that I am now employing in my life on a daily routinized basis and the results were very gratifying. Today I awoke very early meditated went and had a great workout at the gym and feel absoutely wonderful (grounded, energetic and frisky).
Blessing to you all and remember in/out. Any feedback as always is welcomed.

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bipolar grooving

A bodacious gooday to all. Am finally carving out some time to get a few words in here. Have lots to say but in the interest of restraint of tongue I will try to keep it brief.
First order of the day is to share info. on the extremely important book I recently read. It is “Anatomy of an Epidemic, magic bullets,psychiatric drugs and the astonishing rise of mental illness in America” (quite a mouthful) by Robert Whitaker. It had a profound impact on me and will be a very big influence on my future care decisions regarding my mood issues. It was enlightening, informative, and shocking in it’s detailed investigation of psychiatry and the pharmaceutal industry.
So today I awoke early, meditated, did yoga will eat a super food protein shake and launch myself into my day. My morning routine is a vital part of my commitment to my emotional, physical and spiritual health and is working extremely well for now. I also am continuing with acpuncture, qi quong, lots of exercise and outdoor time. I have to admit that on all those levels mentioned I have never felt better or more grounded which is also being noticed by those around me. It is interesting (or perhaps totally whacked out) that i am convinced that my last difficult period (from mar. to may) was totally necessary for my continued evolution and deepening of my emotional, spiritual and physical being (trans-noncoincidentalism if you will), as i have come out the other side of it on much firmer (and happier) ground. I was guided to chinese medicine and qi quong as a result which have been mucho impactful. Of course I am still following Dr Amy’s nutritional guidelines and am eating a very excellent vegan diet. The outside world (the illusive world in the news reports) may be falling apart but my inner being is grooving.
So enough for now. Any thoughts from any of you guys on any of this??????
May you all by happy, may you be free from inner and outer harm, may you be healthy, may you take care of youself happily and be at ease in life………….namaste

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bipolar and chinese medicine

Greetings all (or none as the case may be).  I am returning to blogville after a long (interminable to be exact) deep dark hiatus but I am happy (almost ecstatic- oh what the hell, yes ecstatic) to report that the sunlight is now streaming through the thick dark cloud enshrouded sky.  Yes, I have been possessed by the spirit of a giddy Alice in Wonderland, no more mock turtle here.

So what happened and how did I get to this place today. Good question and I wish I had an answer. I will muddle through some thoughts on the subject and hopefully shed some light on my recent journey through the make believe land of bipolar.

So last blog I was in beautiful Merida, Mexico enjoying the bounty of happiness and well being. I spent a month there getting extensive dental work done including extractions, root canal and reconstructions. I had a serious mouth infection and was given antibiotics along with lots of novocaine.  All this stress on my body combined for a massive mood crash.

I managed to slink, slime, ooze, crawl my way back to Asheville at the end of March.   I ended up taking up residence with a friend to indulge in an existence of television, morbid suicidal depression, isolation and general life avoidance.  I did continue to exercise and maintain a rather healthy diet though and checked into (started attending that is) a depression/bipolar support group.

So fast forward to 3 weeks ago.   I went for acupuncture (you know getting jabbed with needles) at a student clinic and started doing Qigong on a regular basis.  I was also prescribed some herbs, a mix the acupuncture clinic put together that I had to boil down and drink.  Voila, low and behold, a very significant energy/mood shift occurred.  The anxiety, catastrophic thinking, low energy, fear (felt like terror), etc was whisked away. Replaced by very grounded, steady energy and mood.

The Asian medical model I guess you’d say is based on the concept of chi which is the vital life force that courses (hopefully) through all of us (extremely simplified explanation) and if we learn (with the help of some sharp metal objects) to work with it and balance (there’s that illusive word again) it the body/mind can heal itself and equilibrium be restored. This is absolutely what I seem to be experiencing.  So I am now totally committed to this path along with lots of regular exercise, an excellent vegan diet, regular outdoor time, snake charming and dwarf tossing.

So that’s my story and it’s sticking to me.  Or as a famous writer said (maybe) “after all these years of living all I have to offer is my confusion”.

I have much more to say, like telling you about the most important book on mental illness I’ve ever read but will restrain myself for now in the interest of chrimpled rumstead plus I promised my friend I would shave her cat (don’t get dirty with this one).  Talk to youse in the next day or two (providing the old mood holds up).  Happy wappy day.

The World’s Mental Illness

Today I just want to reach out and hug the whole world in joy and where are you?  See this is at least half the problem.  It isn’t me, mental illness, or even depression.    This is the problem.  We all hide in our homes and our little sheltered lives.  We don’t talk to each other.  We alienate.  I’m not blaming any body this time.  I feel like I walk around inside a tube watching everybody.  It is like a dream going by in front of me but I can’t slow it down so I just watch through a filtered experience.  What the hell is wrong with everybody?  New York City was brutal because no one looked at each other.  Truly a mystery.  This is it, this my theory.  The whole world has a mental illness.  Why else do crazy rednecks try to run you off the road with their monster trucks.  Why else do Christians spit on  homeless people?  Why else do CEO’s make 100 million a year while I can’t find a job with my college degree.  Why are wars waged on the innocent – women and children and the elderly?  The sky is gray and seems to never end, dragging on to the edge of darkness – past the glimmer of hope that shined in your eyes just yesterday, that moment of inspiration when the fear and anger left you for a moment.

But back to being supersized at McDonalds and the buffet at Golden Corral with its fifty pounds of bacon and forty three pounds of french fries and the Christians need to line up at the slaughterhouse to watch the suffering and then tell me we are here to rule with dominion over the animals  – yes Jesus would be a vegetarian, he told me in a dream.

There is something very, very wrong with this country when did it become so cool not to care I swear God is in many things the Buddhists were right.

What a pretty blue bird outside my window.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November – the gunpowder, treason and plot.  I can think of no reason, the fifth of November should ever be forgot.”

“Beneath this Mask there is an Idea, Mr. Creedy.  And ideas are bulletproof…”  V

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chqi8m4CEEY

I feel like dying, I feel like flying away back across the skies from where I came into the blackness can’t take this agony of living without you all I need us to be together forever – the only thing that makes the pain bearable.  But more than that – open up your third eye whether by mushrooms or intellect or heart or tragedy or revelation or Art or MUSIC just SHOOT IT SHOOT IT DEEPER DEEPER INSIDE OF YOU NEVER TO LEAVE this shock wave carries with it the memory of all things good and true.

GOD IS IN THE RAIN

There Are No Words…

I could pray about it.  But I’m far too angry at God.  How the fuck could you let this happen, Lord?  What the fuck?  I thought you control everything, including the tectonic plates near Japan.  I was told you had the power to reach underneath the coral and fish and deep sea and make them stop moving on this Earth of yours.  But as I watch the video of the tsunami overtaking Tokyo, moving cars and houses and people like ants – there are no words left to say.  “Why” seems too obvious.  What philosophy or religion, what construct of values a people choose to follow can possibly compete with the power of those waves we saw?  What good does faith, or the oneness of mankind, the serenity of Taoism or the forgiveness of Christianity do in the face of such absolute devastation?  There is no reason here to comprehend, no deeper understanding of why such things as this happen – and the mystery of God’s intentions go five notches deeper – even into the question of God’s sanity.  Tears are falling as I watch the suffering and my silly little problems seem so trivial by comparison to the people of Japan.  And so I think, God not only doesn’t intervene with the physical world, but he is indifferent to it.  There is no other possible conclusion.    I’m angry, very sad and angry.  The only solace that makes any sense to me, any conceivable idea of why – is that every death and lost soul with it as they were sucked out to sea passes over to the land of eternal light.  In that place the question of “why” is irrelevant next to the beauty of Paradise, the connection back to our creator.  All the pain and suffering was because real life starts now and this Earthly experience is just a dream, a fleeting moment before real life begins – and all the agony was not in vain.  There is no other possibility than that if God is real.  He or She could never be this cruel otherwise – to let this happen.  Okay, slow down and breathe deeply.  Quit asking why.  We will never know as long as we are alive here.  The answers lie only in eternity.  But I’m still angry for now.  There are no words…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-zfCBCq-8I

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I love Charlie Sheen bipolar or not

Whether or not he has bipolar Charlie is downright entertaining and personally I love the guy.  Is he on a constant bipolar high, the express train going full speed ahead at all times?  Perhaps.  I was sitting there analyzing an interview.  When he said he had “tiger  blood” I thought, okay label it delusions of grandeur.  Then ABC talked to a doctor who made a great point.  Don’t label him based on a tv appearance.

Is he a hedonist?  Absolutely.  That’s not a judgment Charlie, I’m on your side.  Is he a voyeur?   With pride he is.  “You know what your getting” he said in reference to porn stars.  Is he a hard core chemical abuser?  “It was radical” he said of his last  binge.  WINNING, WINNING he keeps saying!

We love to demonize people as if we would never do any of the immoral acts they openly do.  Charlie says America is jealous and I think he is right.  He is living the hedonist dream, the American dalliance that only the rich and famous can afford – and at 2 mil an episode of Two and a Half Men, I don’t see the party stopping.  They may have canceled the show for now, but he’ll be back.

I’d love to down a cold one and do other unmentionables with Mr. Sheen.  I have no doubt he’d be the life of the party.  Bipolar or not, I hope you make it out alive, Charlie.  You have more personality in your finger than most do in their whole mind and body.    I say if you are on the Bipolar Express, ride it until you die.  I can’t wait to see what happens next…

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